10 Tips to Better Climbing
1. The Warm-Up
Always remember that it is never to early to get that warm-up whinge in. Look for the earliest opportunities, such as loading the car. Concentrate of areas such as old shoulder or back injuries. This is known in professional circles strategic winging - anything closer to the rock-face is considered to be tactical winging.

2. Signals
Over the years a simple yet sophisticated set of signals has evolved for climbers. Make sure you learn and use these. Remember that a simple signal, like running behind a tree clutching a roll of toilet paper, can convey more fear than words alone could ever express.

3. Belaying
Remember that belaying is an extremely responsible task. As belayer it is up to you to take careful account of your partner's whinges, often encouraging with call such as "Get on with it you wuss!". Always pay careful attention to the progress of your partner to ensure that you can keep a tight rope just as they are trying to clip in to that oh-so-hard-to-reach bolt, thus exhorting them to ever more original expletives. A good belayer will look upon this time as a rest period in which they can think up new and original whinges as they follow the leader up the rock-face

4. Leading the Climb
The demanding lead climb can prove daunting to the most experienced of climbers. Always ensure that you take on sufficient fluid as otherwise abject terror may cause you throat to completely dry up, and prevent you from winging at all. The stress of the lead climb means that the novice will only be able to utter short singe-syllable expletives, typically "Shit!" or "Fuck!". The approved pitch for these calls will be two octaves above your normal speaking voice - any higher will denote imminent bowel evacuation, which may momentarily distract your belayer. Ensure that you have mastered these single syllable calls before you attempt to graduate to the more advance two-syllable calls.

5. Self Help
Self help techniques are of particular importance when climbing, and while the skills can take many years to fully master, the basics are simple. Remember the simple rule that once you partner has completed the pitch and secured himself to the rock-face above you they will be helpless to prevent you from helping yourself - to their chocolate - apple-juice, or whatever else you fancy from their ruc-sac. At this point remember to remind your climbing partner that winging while made safe does not count.

6. Following
Following a climb that has already been roped offers great advantages for the experienced winger. In the knowledge that they will only fall a short distance, they are able to concentrate more on winging than is the case when leading. A particularly useful advanced technique is to call for rope slack to be given or taken in according to the situation, while ensuring that you tone of voice implies criticism of your belayer. This will later allow you to make direct whinges about their belaying, though this should not be done while still climbing (see the section on falling).

7. Falling
Occasionally a climber will fall. The principles of falling are simple - it is always your belayer's fault. The fall can be broken into three phases:

Resignation: The point at which a fall is imminent. the traditional call is "TightTightTightTi..." up to the point of release. Shriek like a woman for extra affect.
The Fall: The seasoned climber will show his true colours by vocalising while in the air Novices may grunt of scream, but rarely actually articulate in this phase
The Recovery: The point at which the climber realised they are still alive, if indeed they are (see Following above). The most effective technique here is to remain silent as if to imply serious injury. This will allow you time to come up with a really top-notch whinge later.

8. The Descent
There are two methods that you can use. Abseiling down is fast and easy, but offers little scope for winging unless you are still on belay- in which case the belaying speed will be at one of two speeds - "too bloody fast", or "too bloody slow". A good belayer will always ensure that you cannot land on your feet at the bottom. The walk-down, where available, offers the opportunity for an early start at retrospective winging ("no WAY was that a five"), as well as the opportunity to complain about your shoes.

9. Après-Climb
Climbing traditionally concludes in a local bar or restaurant. This is the enjoyable part where all the whinges are totted up and the winner is announced. Remember that the true professional will also use this as an opportunity to get some pre-emptive winging in for the next climb...

10. Er - That's it...


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