Peter Strong's Home Page
+SWISS SPECIAL+SWISS SPECIAL+SWISS SPECIAL+

May 1996 Welcome to the May edition of Peter’s Home Page. This months edition comes to you from the Swiss Town of Basel

Page Last Updated: 02 February, 2003

FEATURES

News
Editor's month

Opinion
Molly's Domestic Strife

Entertainment
Martyn Davis on London

Lifestyle
Adam Shaw talks about himself

Travel
The Last Resort

REGULAR COLUMNS

Mailbag
Your Chance to Talk Back

Money
John Menard on Tax Matters

Health
Doctor Bunnyballs Advises

Sport
Vinnie Jones on Football Folklore

And Finally...
Peter's Last Gasp

Letter from the Editor

If you’ve got this far then you must have at least an ISDN link. Because you’ve bugger all chance with this page on a 14.4 modem. Also Conpuserve’s Homeworld server isn’t exactly blisteringly fast... Still, I've got access to a Corporate Server in Dallas running like the clappers, so do I care?

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I started off with the intention of building a fast and useful homepage as a means of marketing my IT Consultancy. That approach fell flat on its face in Edition 1; the tradition continues with the May edition which is packed with bells and whistles and liberal doses of slander, and will almost certainly result in a libel suit (Sorry Guys, I’m in Switzerland, land of the Untouchables and Salman Rushdie).

Basel really isn’t that bad once you’ve experienced the Hotel Ibis (move over Bates’s Motel). I now have a really cool penthouse flat overlooking the Old Town, and have elected to furnish it in the Minimalist style (no furniture).

At the weekends I can choose between a day out in France or Germany, which are both a five minute drive from my apartment. On the way back in the evening I try to smuggle in - er - furniture.

I’m working for Perot Systems on a project for Swiss Bank, using my Access skills. As you might expect with a multi-lingual office, we are having a lot of language problems, but then you expect that working with Americans.

Switzerland is good for a contractors soul - mainly because it makes you feel poor again (remember that one, boys?). This feeling is aggravated by the painfully slow and expensive progress on my flat in Kensington, which is in an advanced stage of - er - demolition. I can, however, confidently predict a house-warming some time in 1998.

One big advantage so far has been the skiing - last weekend saw two days of superb skiing at altitude in Verbier ( in the third week of April, no less). The piste was crisp(-ish), the slopes were empty, and the sun was in defoliation mode. But the biggest difference here is in the lifestyle; it’s extremely low-stress; the air is clean (the trees are green); nobody rushes anywhere, and trams are always two minutes away. God how I miss London...

Incidentally - if you try spell checking "homepage" Word 7 suggests "homage" as a replacement. Appropriate, isn’t it.

Molly Bites Back


Howdy!
This month has been a particularly traumatic one for me. Yes, you’ve guessed it - owner trouble. I’ve had my owner for almost a year now, and I wish that I'd paid a little more attention to training in those early days. If you’ve recently got a new owner, here are a four basic rules too make life easier for you...

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House Training
This can be quite a tricky one, according to your chosen breed. I know that Tricia is particularly untidy, and this a combination of breed as well as training. She is still in the habit of leaving "little messes" in her room. Here's a simple tip to try: run into you owner’s room early in the morning. Immediately scoop up some of her loose underwear and start chewing. Rememberthat owners are strictly territorial, and this is a definite territorial invasion. In theory if this act is repeated often enough the owner will start tidying up to prevent you getting hold of her undies.

 Exercise
Owners are generally prone to too much sleep. Again, use the early morning approach, but this time go for the toes. Tone up your owner’s vocal cords by not coming back to your lead forcing her to spend hours calling for you. And finally, remember that muddy paws mean good lumbar and forearm exercise back at the house when it’s bath time.

Diet
Owners are constantly reverting to non-nutritious diet items. Make sure you keep her well away from junk food by eating it yourself.

Play
Remember a happy owner is a healthy owner. One of my favourite tricks here is to carefully ball up Pedigree Chum and then carefully hide these balls around the house. I find that upholstery and bedding make particularly good hiding places. How she loves finding the Chum-balls a couple of weeks later!

Tricia - BAD dog!

Martyn's Page

"After a long hard day at the office there’s nothing I like more than to pop into a friendly bar where I can wile away the evening over a JDOTR, and make eyes at the ladies. So to give you fellows a helping hand, here are four of the best spots in London. Oh - I'm sorry , I forgot to mention I only do Knightbridge"

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Harvey Nichols Fifth Floor, Sloane Street
First Class merchandise here - a must
Totty rating

Maxis, Knightsbridge
Dark and subdued. Be careful - she might be a ghoul in daylight
Totty rating

The Enterprise, Walton Street
Specialising in older merchandise, but it’s a short walk home
Totty rating

The Loose Box, Brompton Road
Very pleasant staff. Variable quality, but definitely worth a spin on a good night
Totty rating

Elisabeth Hurley and I
I would like to point out that a number of cynical busybodies have been insinuating that Elisabeth and I are not on the best of terms. May I take this opportunity to categorically refute these claims - Elisabeth and I enjoy the same relationship as we have always done - in as far as she has never actually met me, and she doesn’t go to Harvey Nick’s anyway.

The Drug Enforcement Administration
Since retiring as an operational HEMS Pilot I have carried out extensive work as a European operative with Drug Enforcement Administration. I find this fits in well with my day job as a Television Executive because I normally finish by 5pm - just about the time the drug barons are getting up and about. Here’s a bit of background on the DEA:

PS. Your room is almost ready, and thanks for letting me off so lightly, Peter

Page Layout by Peter Strong
Pending Law Suit by Pamela Shaw
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Welcome to the glamourous world of the DEA. I'm not actually entirely sure what the DEA does, but I know it involves zooming about in fast cars, chatting up girls with long legs, and going to wild parties where we get to shout a lot and make everybody lie on the floor. Also we use these really cool maglites and Icom walkie-talkies. But it’s not all action - each DEA operation is the result of months or even years of meticulous investigation and extensive research, including accessing sensitive catalogues of data.

Once we're ready to make our move we have at our disposal some highly technical gadgets such as the Heavy Support Vehicle that is used to ferry equipment to and from operations. And it's not all over once the arrests have been made; after a successful operation we spend long hours at the Police Station making detailed statements. It may seem like a world of glamour and fantasy to you, but it's all just in a days work for us.

Adam's link of the Month. This month’s link comes from Bill Earle’s ThunderErrors page. An amusing an informative site for Gerry Anderson fans, this one lists lots of silly errors that you might have noticed in Thunderbirds episodes. In the episode "Give Or Take Five Million" for example, in one scene the lead character’s partner is seen standing with a pen in his right hand, and a cigarette in his left, but in the very next scene he is seen holding neither, although he does have a knife in his back.

 

Mailbag


Its Good to talk.
Even if you are a bald cockney wanker who's reduced to doing BT ads. But it's even better to hurl insults over the Ethernet. If you have something you want to get off your chest E-mail me, and in the next edition you could become the subject of your very own page of ridicule.

And I’d particularly like to hear from anybody who’s got the bloody FrontPage Save-Results bot (or something similar) to work in Ourworld.

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Get into her knickers
with Interflora

With bouquets starting at only £10,
there's no better way to get your fingers and tops.
Basel
(Population of 176,200)



Things to do in Basel
Just a short walk* from Basel town center, the Hotel Ibis offers the discerning tourist excellent cuisine in a cultured atmosphere of grace and elegance. Famed for its weekly cabaret, the Ibis regularly host performers from the nearby Rothrist opera-house, who are available for private performances by arrangement (price CHF200)

*Walk (n) a fucking long way, like 50 km, and in the middle of nowhere (From the V. Knook German-English Dictionary)

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Divided by the Rhine in northern Switzerland, Basel (Population of 176,200) is river port and financial center. It boasts a long and prosperous History, and is renowned as one of the oldest intellectual centers in Europe. Today Basel is the centre of the Swiss chemical and pharmaceutical industries.

Originally founded by the Romans, it became (7th cent.) an Episcopal See and (11th cent.) a free imperial city. It was the residence of the Prince-Bishops, expelled after Basel accepted (1523) the Reformation. Its university attracted Erasmus (who is buried in the 11th-cent. cathedral), Holbein the Younger, John Calvin, and Nietzsche. The city houses a valuable collection of Holbein's work.

Basel prides itself on its annual spring festival, which is little know outside of Switzerland for the very good reason that very few people would give a damn about a bunch of people getting up at 4am (yes, that’s right, four in the morning) and then banging around on a bunch of drums. Unless of course you happen to be a neighbour, in which case you might get a little pissed off. The fact that this is the social pinnacle of the year for most Baselers is one’s first warning that Basel might actually vie with Leicester for the title of Europe’s most desperately boring town.

Inbreeding is actively encouraged, indeed mixed marriages (to those who are not cousins, or closer) is actually still banned under the original Canton laws, with the result that Baselers are all very ugly, and many have clubbed feet and cleft palates.

(Extract from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, with kind permission from the publishers)

Next month: Bestiality in Basel - a special full colour feature

 

Working Away
This month our resident finance expert, John Menard, offers six of the best for cutting down on your tax bill while working abroad.

"If, like me, you are a successful computer consultant employed engaged in overseas work, there are a number of lucrative tax advantages that you can take advantage of. Assuming your gross earnings are the equivalent of £100,000 (Sterling), these are your options..."


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1. Pay UK tax and National Insurance as if you were a normal UK employee.
Tax Bill - £59,000

2. Move to Switzerland as an employee of your Off-the-shelf UK limited company and pay Swiss tax at only 22%, instead of the UK higher limit of 40%
Tax Bill - £41,000

3. Set up an off-shore (Isle of Man) company and work as its employee in Switzerland. This will allow further reduction of 19% of National Insurance payments, but off-shore companies come with their own cost penalties amounting to some £2,000 per annum
Tax Bill - £24,000

4. Set up an off-shore (Bahamian) company and work as its employee in Switzerland. This will allow further same 19% avoidance of National Insurance payments, but Bahamian are cheaper to run because there are no audit requirements, thus only requiring an initial £800 start-up fee
Tax Bill - £22,000
5. This is basically the same as 4 above, but with the additional feature of not informing the Swiss authorities that you are working in their country. This almost totally removes any tax liability, as you only need to pay Swiss tax officials to look the other way
Tax Bill - £5,000

6. Get extradited from Switzerland for tax evasion. Spend a year in prison thus totally removing all UK and foreign tax liabilities.
Tax Bill - Errr- £0

Next month: Tax relief opportunities in HM Prisons

Dr Bunnyballs

If you have any sensitive personal problems (particularly ones of a sexual nature) please E-mail Dr. Bunnyballs c/o the Editor, Peter Strong's Home Page. All replies will be treated with the utmost confidentiality. Honestly.

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Q. "My sister and I have recently become worried about our weight, and are considering using laxatives as a way to stay in shape. Our friends tell us we are being stupid, and that our figures are fine, but we both worry a lot about becoming too fat."

A. Just keep on with those laxatives girls, after all, it worked for the Barbie Twins

Q. I am a successful fashion model, and regularly appear on magazine covers throughout the world. I am 5'11" tall, blonde with blue eyes, and my figure is 38-22-36. My problem is that I find it impossible to say "no" to sex. Is this a sign of repressed subconscious trauma relating to some childhood experience, and how should I cope with my problem?

A. Tricky one this - I think you should come in for a consultation.

Q. I have recently noticed a slight swelling of my testicles, and when I make love I sometimes get an aching feeling down there afterwards. What should I do?

A. Have you thought about a job with Viz?

SPORT

Vinnie's Page
 

"Hard man of football? I'll give you hard man of football..."

Wimbledon FC

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Footballing towns of Great Britain (No. 52)

Dunfermline Nil (Population, 53,800)

A burgh of east-central Scotland northwest of Edinburgh. It was long a favorite residence of Scottish kings. Andrew Carnegie was born here (1835) and gave the town its library.

Its name comes from the ancient Celtic phrase; Dun-Fer m’lynne, meaning "Shite at football". The origins of the Nil suffix are far from clear: Ancient Gaelic texts refer to Nil as a love-lorn youth who in traditional legends is said to have wandered the highlands singing haunting laments about his failure to find a woman worthy of his love. How exactly a young man’s failure to score became linked with the Town of Dunfermline is likely to remain one of History’s great unknowns.

Next month: Who put the ham in West Ham?

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American Football
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Basilisk Meanmachine v Zürich Renegades
28 April 1996 -Pruntrutermatte Basel

Match Report:
Final Score - Basel Win 27-0
Loads of beer, loads of totty - Who said this place has no culture?

And Finally...

"Mankind's greatest creations are invariably the work of the finest minds cooperating closely through many hours (days, weeks...) of hard work, to produce an end result that is truly memorable. On the other hand, it's easier to pinch all the best bits when nobody's looking, and string them together in a way that should at least raise the occasional wry smile. Originality, it is said, is the art of concealing one's source, but I feel it is only fair to acknowledge those who provided encouragement, inspiration, and JPGs that have made this home page what it is...."

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Starting at the top,

Hats off to CNN for their great globe; the best animated GIF I’ve seen so far - If only I could find it again...

Thanks to The Times and Sunday Times for several banners and news photos - well done for a great site that keeps me in touch

I’ve linked in to the Jack Daniels site, which looks like fun, and if you enjoyed Doctor Bunnyballs' advice check out the ER site. As for the others, the Buster Gonad JPG was inspired by Viz, and comes from Medicine magazine, which some bustard has since pinched so don't hold your breath for a biblio. The fat ladies are two of Simon Ordish’s ex-girlfriends (thanks for the photo, Adam).

There, after I’ve been so nice about you all how could you ever sue me for breach of copyright?

Note: The management accepts no responsibility for the views expressed here, which are clearly the product of a severely disturbed mind. If any comments herein offend please remember that they were probably meant to. You can address any complaints to Peter Strong via his email address, so he can have a good snigger over them, and probability publish them in the next edition.

Copyright (at least the bits of it I didn't pinch) Peter Strong 1996. Last revised: February 02, 2003


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